Been shopping for a spring or summer dress this week, something long enough to cover my one weird leg but not a maxi, and with short sleeves and, preferably, made of cotton. Oh, and light blue.
You’d think that would be easy – a no-brainer in this landscape of online retail and Amazon and the 15 paper catalogs that arrive in my mailbox every week, but no. My difficulty in finding a dress is complicated by the same factor that is making it increasingly impossible to find anything to wear that’s not insane.
Designers have run out of good ideas. Last year they came out with wide-leg pants, which I wrote about in this space. While I welcome slacks with a little more room to cover my problem leg, the stores were filled with voluminous clown pants with enough fabric to make slipcovers for all my furniture. I thought they were a fad and would fade, but the great big flow pants are still a thing.
The year before that were the cut-outs, dresses with huge, gaping holes on the sides just above the waist. There was probably a time – and I mean about 15 minutes of time – -when I was 19 and could get away with that. Now, my side flanks have too much fleshy topography to pull that off that look. And a few years back were the tops with the shoulders missing. I have nothing personally against my shoulders, but nope.
Now, it’s the sleeves – dresses and tops with huge, lofty, tented, absurdly prominent sleeves. My dress search took me to the website of my favorite store, where I found a midi-length cotton frock in a light blue, delicate floral pattern. When it arrived at my door a week later, I tore into the package, unfurled the dress and tried it on.
Geez, the sleeves. They were stiff and so tightly gathered at the top seam that they actually peaked. My arms floated like sticks inside them. The dress gave me the appearance of wearing two open umbrellas on my shoulders. I thought about the alteration work it would take to bring those sleeves back into my zip code, but the dress was already pricey.
“I have a question,” I said to the worker at the desk as I returned the dress. “Do you think this puffy-sleeve trend will end anytime soon?” She shrugged, but I think I detected a wink of agreement.
On my way out of the store, I looked around a bit. The big sleeves were everywhere, turning otherwise pretty tops and dresses into sailboats and circus tents. I wondered about the people who look good in the style – probably people who are 30 years younger than I am, and a foot taller.
Before I left the store, I noticed a rack of jeans, with a sign that said “Barrel Leg.” That’s the new trend – pants with legs that are shaped like barrels, wide at the thigh before billowing out at the knee and then narrowing at the ankle and I won’t be joining that trend, either.
So my hunt for a dress continues. Is it too much to ask for a simple, longish, flattering, comfortable, light blue, summery dress that covers my upper arms but not in an absurd way? A dress that doesn’t double my width? I think the dress I’m describing and want would be stylish and flattering.
But what do I know?